1 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:23,360 'This is the story 2 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:27,120 'of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy... 3 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,360 'perhaps the most remarkable, 4 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:31,720 'certainly the most successful book 5 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:36,880 'ever to come out of the great publishers of Ursa Minor. 6 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,200 'More popular than The Celestial Home Care Omnibus, 7 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:44,200 'better selling than Fifty-three More Things To Do In Zero Gravity, 8 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:48,240 'and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy 9 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:52,200 'of philosophical blockbusters, Where God Went Wrong, 10 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,400 'Some More Of God's Greatest Mistakes 11 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:59,040 'and Who Is This God Person Anyway? 12 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,760 'And in many of the more relaxed civilisations 13 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,080 'on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, 14 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:09,840 'the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted 15 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,800 'the great Encyclopaedia Galactica 16 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:15,840 'as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, 17 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:21,240 'for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, 18 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:24,080 'it scores over the older, more pedestrian work 19 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,040 'in two important respects. 20 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:31,960 'First, it is slightly cheaper and, secondly, it has the words: 21 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,960 'inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover. 22 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,440 'To tell the story of the book, 23 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:43,600 'it is best to tell the story of some of those whose lives it affected. 24 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:47,080 'A human from the planet Earth was one of them, 25 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:48,920 'though, as our story opens, 26 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:51,080 'he no more knows his destiny 27 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,960 'than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India Company. 28 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:59,000 'His name is Arthur Dent, he is a six-foot-tall ape descendant, 29 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:04,520 'and someone is trying to drive a bypass through his home. ' 30 00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:58,840 Come off it, Mr Dent - you can't win, you know. 31 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,400 You can't lie in front of the bulldozers indefinitely. 32 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,880 I'm game. We'll see who rusts first! 33 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:09,520 You're going to have to accept it. This bypass has got to be built. 34 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,440 Why's it got to be built? 35 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:14,720 What do you mean - why's it got to be built? 36 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,560 It's a bypass! You've got to build bypasses. 37 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,440 You were entitled to make suggestions or protests at the appropriate time. 38 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,000 Appropriate time?! 39 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:27,160 The first I heard about it was when a workman arrived yesterday. 40 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,560 I thought he'd come to clean the windows. 41 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,800 He said he'd come to demolish the house! 42 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,400 He didn't tell me straightaway, of course. 43 00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:39,240 He wiped a couple of windows and charged me £5! Then he told me! 44 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,080 But, Mr Dent, the plans have been available 45 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,840 in the planning office for the last nine months! 46 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:48,680 Yes, of course. As soon as I heard, I went straight round to see them. 47 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:53,760 You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to draw attention to them! 48 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,240 But the plans were on display! 49 00:03:56,480 --> 00:04:00,360 On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar! 50 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,680 - That's the display department! - With a torch! 51 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:04,520 - No lights. - No stairs! 52 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,880 - But you did see the notice? - Oh, yes. 53 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:11,480 It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet, 54 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,040 in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door, "Beware of the leopard!" 55 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:21,400 Ever thought of going into advertising? 56 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:28,520 And you don't get me like that either! 57 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:30,960 Mr Dent... 58 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:34,920 have you any idea how much damage this bulldozer would suffer 59 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,160 if I were to let it run over you? 60 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,320 How much? 61 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:42,480 None at all! 62 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,720 'By a strange coincidence, "None at all" 63 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:50,040 'is exactly how much suspicion the ape descendant Arthur Dent had 64 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:54,360 'that one of his closest friends was not descended from an ape, 65 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,360 'but was in fact from a small planet 66 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,520 'somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. 67 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:03,280 'Arthur Dent's failure to suspect this 68 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:07,800 'reflects the care with which his friend blended into human society, 69 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:12,120 'after a fairly shaky start, when he first arrived 15 years ago. 70 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:16,040 'The minimal research he had done suggested to him 71 00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:21,400 'that the name Ford Prefect would be nicely inconspicuous. 72 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:27,040 'He will enter our story in 30 seconds and say, 73 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,200 "'Hello, Arthur. " 74 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:32,840 'The ape descendant will greet him in return 75 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:36,720 'but, in deference to a million years of human evolution, 76 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,000 'won't attempt to pick fleas off him. 77 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,680 'Earthmen are not proud of their ancestors 78 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:46,000 'and never invite them to dinner. ' 79 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,200 Hello, Arthur. 80 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,360 Ford, hi. How are you? 81 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,800 Fine. 82 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,960 Look, are you busy? 83 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:10,800 Busy?! Well, I've just got this bulldozer to lie in front of, 84 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,960 or it'll knock my house down, but otherwise... no, not especially. Why? 85 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:19,480 - Good. Anywhere we can talk? - What? 86 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,640 - We've got to talk. - Fine! Talk. 87 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,480 And drink. It's vitally important that we talk and drink. Now! 88 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,440 - We'll go to the pub. - You don't understand. 89 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,760 He wants to knock my house down. 90 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:35,080 - He can do it whilst you're away. - I don't want him to! 91 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,280 Ford? What's the matter? 92 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,680 Nothing... nothing's the matter. 93 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:43,120 I've got to tell you the most important thing you've ever heard. 94 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,880 - I've got to tell you NOW in the pub. - Why? 95 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:52,120 - Because you'll need a stiff drink! - No! No! What about my house? 96 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,720 - He wants to knock your house down? - Yes. 97 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,400 - But you're lying in the way? - Exactly! 98 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:04,840 I think we can come to some arrangement. 99 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:08,600 - Excuse me! - Hello? Yes? 100 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:11,000 Has Mr Dent come to his senses yet? 101 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:14,120 Can we, for the moment, assume he hasn't? 102 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:15,800 Well? 103 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:19,320 Can we also assume that he's going to be staying there all day? 104 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,120 So? 105 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:27,520 So all your men are going to be standing around, doing nothing. 106 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,080 Could be, could be... 107 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:35,120 If you're resigned to that, you don't actually need him to lie there? 108 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,440 Not as such. Not exactly "need"... 109 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:43,440 So pretend he's there. Then we could go to the pub. How does that sound? 110 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:47,320 Er... that sounds perfectly reasonable... I suppose. 111 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:51,280 And if you want to pop off for a quick one yourself later on, 112 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,560 we'll always cover for you in return. 113 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:59,520 Yes, thank you very much. That's very kind. 114 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,720 So if you'd just like to lie down... 115 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,560 What? 116 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,280 It's very simple. 117 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,280 Mr Dent will stop lying in the mud 118 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,560 - On condition that you take over. - What? 119 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,680 Sorry? 120 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:16,920 You want me... to come and lie down there? 121 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:21,720 - Yes. - In front of the bulldozer? 122 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,520 - Yes. - Instead of Mr Dent? 123 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:28,440 - Yes. - In the mud? 124 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:32,400 In, as you say, the mud. 125 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:37,960 In return for which, you will take Mr Dent down to the pub? 126 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,560 Yes. 127 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,680 Promise? 128 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,680 Promise. 129 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:51,400 - Get up and let the man lie down. - Thank you. 130 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,480 And no sneaky knocking Mr Dent's house down while he's away. 131 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:05,760 The slightest thought hadn't even begun to speculate 132 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,800 about the merest possibility of crossing my mind. 133 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:13,960 - But can we trust him? - To the end of the Earth. 134 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:17,520 - Yes, but how far's that? - About 12 minutes away. 135 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:20,400 Come on. We've got to get some alcohol. 136 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:24,160 'Here's what the Encyclopaedia Galactica has to say about alcohol. 137 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:28,280 'It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid 138 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,080 'formed by the fermentation of sugars, 139 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,120 'and also notes its intoxicating effect 140 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:36,280 'on certain carbon-based lifeforms. 141 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:40,440 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy also mentions alcohol. 142 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,960 'It says the: 143 00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,200 '... the effect of which 144 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:03,360 'is like having your brain smashed out with a slice of lemon... 145 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,960 'wrapped round a large gold brick. 146 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,600 'The Guide also tells you 147 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:13,800 'on which planets the best Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters are mixed, 148 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:17,040 'how much you can expect to pay for one 149 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:21,720 'and what voluntary organisations exist to help you rehabilitate. 150 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,840 'The man who invented this mind-pummelling drink 151 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:30,560 'also invented the wisest remark ever made, which was this: 152 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,400 'His name is: 153 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:46,760 'and we shall learn more of his wisdom later. ' 154 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,280 Six pints of bitter. And quickly, please. The world's about to end. 155 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,760 Oh, yes, sir? Nice weather for it. 156 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,600 - Going to the match today, sir? - No. No point. 157 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,280 Foregone conclusion, then? 158 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,000 - Arsenal no chance? - No, the world's about to end. 159 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:14,840 Oh, yes, sir. So you said. Lucky escape for Arsenal if it did. 160 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:21,240 - No, not really. - There you are, sir. Six pints. 161 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,040 Keep the change. 162 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,120 What? From a fiver? Thank you, sir! 163 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:29,040 You've got ten minutes to spend it! 164 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:35,680 What the hell's going on? I'm losing my grip on the day. 165 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:39,640 - Drink up. Three pints to go! - Three pints? At lunchtime? 166 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,480 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. 167 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:47,320 Send that in to the Reader's Digest. There's a page for people like you! 168 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:50,080 - Drink up. - Why three pints? 169 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:53,040 Muscle relaxant. You're going to need it. 170 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,520 Did I do something wrong this morning 171 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:58,160 or has the world always been like this, 172 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:02,960 and I was too wrapped up in myself to notice? 173 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,400 I'll try to explain. 174 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:11,440 - How long have we known each other? - Er, five years, maybe six. 175 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,640 Most of it made some kind of sense at the time. 176 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:19,120 How would you react if I told you I'm not from Guildford after all, 177 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:23,120 but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse? 178 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:26,640 Why-do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say? 179 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,120 Drink up. The world is about to end. 180 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:36,200 This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays. 181 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,160 'On this particular Thursday, 182 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,960 'things were moving through the ionosphere. 183 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,280 'Many miles above the surface of the planet, 184 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,600 'several huge yellow slab-like somethings... 185 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:53,040 'huge as office blocks, silent as birds, 186 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:59,080 'they hung in the air exactly the same way that bricks don't. 187 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:03,240 'The planet was almost totally oblivious of their presence. 188 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,640 'They went unnoticed at Goonhilly, 189 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,720 'they passed over Cape Canaveral without a blip, 190 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,360 'and Woomera and Jodrell Bank looked straight through them; 191 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:16,400 'a pity, because it was the sort of thing they'd looked for for ages. 192 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:21,640 'Arthur Dent, too, had other things on his mind. ' 193 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,360 What's that? 194 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,200 - They haven't started yet. - Good. 195 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,200 - Probably your house. - What? 196 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:33,480 - Five minutes to go. - Damn you and your fairy stories! 197 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,920 Stop, you vandals! You home wreckers! 198 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,800 - You half-crazed Visigoths, stop! - Arthur! Stop! It's pointless! 199 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,440 Barman, quickly, can you just give me four packets of peanuts? 200 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,840 I'm just serving this gentleman. 201 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,360 He's going to die shortly! Come on! 202 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,400 Just a minute, sir. 203 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:56,520 Do you mind, sir? 204 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,640 Pork scratchings... 205 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:03,360 - Peanuts! How much? - What? 206 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,560 Have it. 207 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,600 Have it. Keep it! 208 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,920 Is the world really going to end this afternoon? 209 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:16,120 Yes, in just over 3 minutes and 5 seconds. 210 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:20,000 - But isn't there anything we can do? - No, nothing. 211 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:24,320 I thought we were meant to lie down or put a paper bag over our head. 212 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,600 Yes, if you like. 213 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:31,320 - Oh, will that help? - No. Excuse me. I've got to go. 214 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,800 Oh, well, then... 215 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,600 Last orders, please! 216 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:44,600 You pin-striped barbarians! I'll sue the council for every penny it's got! 217 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,040 I'll have you hung, drawn, quartered, 218 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,960 and whipped and boiled... until... 219 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,440 until you've had enough! 220 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:59,880 Arthur, don't... There's no point. There's only a minute or so left. 221 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,240 And then I'll do it some more! 222 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:06,800 I'll take all the little bits and jump on them till I get blisters, 223 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:12,280 or I think of something worse... What the hell's that? 224 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,120 Arthur, quick! Over here! 225 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,680 What the hell is it? 226 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,680 It's a fleet of flying saucers - what do you think it is? 227 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,160 Hold this. 228 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:31,600 - What do you mean, flying saucers? - A Vogon constructor fleet. 229 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,800 - What? - A Vogon constructor fleet. 230 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:38,640 I picked up news of their arrival a few hours ago on my sub-etha radio. 231 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:42,080 I can't cope with this. I'm going to have to have a lie-down. 232 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,640 No, stay here. Stay calm. 233 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:48,280 Take hold of this... 234 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,520 People of Earth, attention, please! 235 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,080 People of Earth, attention, please! 236 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,240 This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 237 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,240 of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. 238 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:50,640 As you are probably aware, 239 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,760 the plans for the outlying regions of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy 240 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,480 require a hyperspace express route to be built through your star system, 241 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:02,440 and, regrettably, your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. 242 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,120 The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. 243 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:08,600 Thank you very much. 244 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:19,040 - Get out of it! - No! No! No! Go away! 245 00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:24,520 All the planning charts and demolition orders 246 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:28,080 have been on display in your local planning department in Alpha Centauri 247 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:29,800 for 50 Earth years, 248 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,640 and so you've had plenty of time to lodge any complaints... 249 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:35,840 It's far too late to make a fuss now! 250 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:42,240 What do you mean you've never been to Alpha Centauri? 251 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:46,040 Oh, for heaven's sake, mankind! It's only four light years away! 252 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:50,760 Sorry, but if you can't be bothered to take an interest in local affairs, 253 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:54,440 that's your own lookout! Energise the demolition beam! 254 00:17:54,680 --> 00:18:00,560 God, I don't know! Apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy at all! 255 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:55,560 - I bought some peanuts. - Uh...? 256 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,640 We've just been through a matter-transference beam. 257 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,040 You've lost some salt and protein. 258 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,440 The beer should have helped. 259 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:06,640 - How do you feel? - Like a military academy. 260 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:10,520 Bits of me keep passing out! 261 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:18,800 Ford, if I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it? 262 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:20,880 We're safe. 263 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:22,600 Ah, good. 264 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,600 We're in a cabin of one of the ships of the Vogon constructor fleet. 265 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:30,160 Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" 266 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,040 I wasn't previously aware of. What are you doing? 267 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:34,840 Looking for the light. 268 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:39,280 - How did we get here? - We hitched a lift. 269 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:43,560 Excuse me! Are you telling me we just stuck our thumbs out 270 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,880 and some green bug-eyed monster said, 271 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:49,640 "Hop in! I can take you as far as Basingstoke roundabout"? 272 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,120 Well, the thumb's a sub-etha device, 273 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:54,880 and the roundabout's at Barnard's Star, but that's more or less right. 274 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,920 - And the bug-eyed monster? - Is green! 275 00:19:58,160 --> 00:19:59,960 Fine. 276 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:05,600 - When can I go home? - You can't. Ah! 277 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:10,920 Good grief! Is this really the interior of a flying saucer? 278 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,920 Yes. What do you think? 279 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,880 It's a bit squalid, isn't it? 280 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:24,920 - What the hell is it, Ford? - Come on! Let's get out of here! 281 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,080 It's going to attack us. 282 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:32,880 No, no, no, it just wants us to turn the lights out. 283 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,800 Come on. 284 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:41,200 Shh! Sleeping quarters. We woke them up. 285 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,640 Ford, they were... 286 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,920 What? 287 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,760 Aliens? 288 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,840 Dentrassi. 289 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,520 But, Ford... 290 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,640 What's going on? 291 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,800 - Here, have a look at this. - What is it? 292 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:02,800 The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, an electronic book. 293 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:06,440 - It'll tell you everything. - I like the cover. "Don't panic"! 294 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:11,360 - First helpful thing anyone's said! - That's why it sells so well. Shh! 295 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:14,720 What? 296 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,160 "Don't panic"! 297 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,440 Look... 298 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:25,920 Fast wind index... V. 299 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:30,080 Vogon Constructor Fleets. Enter that code and see what it says. 300 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:33,520 I'll keep watch. 301 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:40,960 Vogon Constructor Fleets: 302 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:33,480 What an extraordinary book! 303 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,840 - How did we get on board, then? - The Dentrassi let us on board. 304 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,240 - You said Bogons. - Vogons. 305 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,880 - Not Dentrassi? - No. 306 00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:46,720 Dentrassi are the in-flight caterers. 307 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:51,440 Hey, Hagra biscuit! The greatest! 308 00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:57,560 You'll love these guys! They cook the hoopiest frood food in the West Galaxy! 309 00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,840 Here, have a bite. 310 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:06,120 Go on, try it. Your mouth will love you for the rest of your life. 311 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,760 It's revolting! 312 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,800 Oh, come on! This stuff is the greatest. 313 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,880 Mmm! 314 00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:23,640 I think those guys must really hate the Vogons. 315 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:27,800 Now, remember this - Dentrassi hate Vogons. 316 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:32,800 That's why they let us on board. Let's go! 317 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:38,080 But if they let us on board, why doesn't the Guide mention them? 318 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,440 Oh, it's not very accurate. 319 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:41,960 Oh? 320 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:46,560 I'm researching the new edition. 321 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:53,680 Ah, storeroom. 322 00:23:57,560 --> 00:23:59,720 Where are we going? 323 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,600 Who knows? Off this ship, that's for sure! 324 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:09,160 We've only just arrived. Shouldn't we say hello and thank you and things? 325 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,800 Listen, this is a Vogon spaceship. 326 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:15,480 We just pick up what we need and get off it! Right? 327 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,760 Right. 328 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,400 - Stun guns. - Any good? 329 00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:26,520 No. 330 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,840 Ford, who are you? 331 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:34,120 I told you - I'm a field researcher for the Guide. 332 00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,280 Telecom systems. 333 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,120 I got stuck on Earth longer than I meant. 334 00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:47,240 Went for a week, got stuck for 15 years. 335 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:50,040 Telepsychic helmets. 336 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:51,840 Huh-huh! 337 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:54,800 How did you get here in the first place? 338 00:24:55,040 --> 00:25:00,200 Easy. I got a lift with a teaser... Hypno rays? 339 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:01,920 Teasers? 340 00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:04,120 Rich kids with nothing to do. 341 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:05,960 They cruise around the Galaxy 342 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,760 looking for planets that no one's made contact with yet and buzz them. 343 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,760 - Buzz them? - Yeah. They find some isolated spot, 344 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,560 land right by some unsuspecting soul that no one's ever going to believe, 345 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,040 and strut up and down in front of them, making beep-beep noises. 346 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:24,000 Rather childish, really. 347 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:27,760 Ah! 348 00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,360 A towel! Keep this. 349 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,640 - Guard it with your life. - Huh? 350 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:34,960 Listen, it's a tough universe. 351 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:39,680 All sorts of people trying to kill you, rip you off, everything... 352 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,040 If you're going to survive out there, 353 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:46,680 you've really got to know where your towel is. 354 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,720 Now, fish. 355 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,600 Huh? 356 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:56,000 Fish. Over here, I think. 357 00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:59,440 Fish? 358 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:06,880 Fish. 359 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:11,120 - Very nice. - Very, very useful. 360 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,080 - What do I do with it? - Stick it in your ear. 361 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:22,280 It's only little! Listen... 362 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,560 - What? - The Vogon captain. 363 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:29,080 - But I can't speak Vogon. - Put this in your ear! 364 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:31,920 ...should have a good time. Message repeat. 365 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:35,920 This is your captain speaking, so pay attention. 366 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,120 First of all, I see from our instruments 367 00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:43,480 that we have a couple of hitchhiker's on board. Hello, wherever you are! 368 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:48,040 I just want to make it totally clear that you are not at all welcome. 369 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:50,800 I worked hard to get where I am today 370 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,440 and I didn't become captain of a Vogon ship 371 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:58,280 simply to turn it into a taxi service for a lot of degenerate freeloaders. 372 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,640 I have sent out a search party 373 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:03,440 and, as soon as they find you, I shall turn you off the ship. 374 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:07,320 If you're very lucky, I might read you some of my poetry first. 375 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,840 Secondly, we are about to jump into hyperspace 376 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,880 for the journey to Barnard's Star. 377 00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:17,720 We will stay in dock for 72 hours and all planet leave is cancelled. 378 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:20,320 I've just had an unhappy love affair, 379 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:23,280 so I don't see why anybody else should have a good time. 380 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:26,160 - Message ends. - Poetry? 381 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,040 What are you doing? 382 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:32,880 Preparing for hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being drunk. 383 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:37,360 - What's so wrong about being drunk? - Ask a glass of water. Lie down. 384 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:42,120 - Grip the towel between your ankles. - What? 385 00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:45,320 Just do it! 386 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:47,120 Like this? 387 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:50,520 Right. 388 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:54,480 Now wait... 389 00:27:56,800 --> 00:28:00,680 What exactly am I doing with this fish in my ear? 390 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:06,320 It's translating for you. Look in the book under Babel Fish. 391 00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:11,600 What's happening? 392 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:15,360 We're going into hyperspace. 393 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:19,840 I'll never be cruel to a gin and tonic again! 394 00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:17,600 Hey, this towel's moved! 395 00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:22,440 Yes. That's a six-light-year jump. Good. 396 00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:25,080 We must be near Barnard's Star. 397 00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:27,760 - We can jump a ship there. - Can we? 398 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:32,080 Ford, I hate to ask this, but what am I doing here? 399 00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:34,640 Simple. I rescued you from the Earth. 400 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:37,640 - What happened to the Earth? - It's been disintegrated. 401 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:43,280 - Has it? - Yes. Just boiled away into space. 402 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:47,840 Listen, I'm a bit upset about that... 403 00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:51,720 Oh, well... 404 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:54,240 All gone? Nothing left? 405 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,880 What about the book? Maybe the book's got something! 406 00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:02,680 It doesn't seem to have an entry. 407 00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:04,920 Yes, it does-at the bottom. 408 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:08,960 Under Eccentrica Gullumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6. 409 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,840 Oh, yes. What does it say? 410 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:18,000 - Harmless. One word? Harmless? - Well, it's the old edition. 411 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,840 There are 100 billion stars in the Galaxy. 412 00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:26,280 - No one knew much about Earth then! - I hope you managed to rectify that! 413 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:32,040 - I sent a new entry to the editor. - What does it say now? 414 00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:34,800 - Mostly harmless. - Mostly harmless? 415 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:38,480 I think that's pretty good coverage for a disintegrated pile of rubble! 416 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:43,240 That's meant to make me feel better? 417 00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:47,440 Come on! Let's get to the teleport. 418 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:54,880 What's the hell's that? 419 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:58,360 If we're lucky, it's a Vogon come to throw us out into space. 420 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,720 And if we're unlucky? 421 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:06,080 The Vogon captain might want to read us some of his poetry first.